"Spermatozoanistas"

Current US Anti-Abortion Activities:

Courageously ignoring medical expertise, Keith Mason, president of Personhood USA, is making an enormous effort to achieve legislation in 25 states by 2012 that legally defines the concept that a complete human being with full civil rights begins at the moment a sperm meets an egg. And with that legislation accomplished, any use of contraceptives must be legally considered homicidal.

However, a companion anti-abortion group, Spermatozoanistas, contends that the above definition is dangerously incomplete. With its focus on application by females, it erroneously implies superiority of egg over sperm. Obviously both must be protected for the shazam moment.

Yet trillions of sperm are flushed down toilets every day by males---acts that likewise should be the legal equivalent of homicide. And just as personhood laws will place in jeopardy millions of females who use birth control pills and IUDs, laws must also apply to millions of lonely males.

Prevention of pre-fetus murder, of course, creates an enormous problem. Policing, of course, can begin with outlawing manufacturing. Nevertheless, illegal manufacture and distribution of recreational contraceptives will exceed that of recreational drugs, creating a more enormous crime wave than we suffer now. And with present US budget deficits, can patriotic Americans afford a costlier type of DEA without the horror of taxing the rich? No, simple ways must be found to examine females to prove and punish usage—perhaps some sort of test similar to that used for athletes suspected of using steroids.

Because it will be much more difficult to police males, Spermatozoanistas is organizing an international Hairy Palm Patrol (HPP), trained to examine male palms for suspicious hair growth. If you are approached by a patrol member, who will be wearing a prestigious tee shirt with designer HPP identification, please accept palm inspection cooperatively. Otherwise you will be reported to authorities. On the other hand (so to speak), when you have passed three consecutive tests, you will receive the coveted HPP Honor Badge that is rewarded on sight with discounts by selected retailers.